Sudden Introversion
Becoming a sudden introvert after a lifetime spent being fairly extroverted can be a shock, but trying to reacquire social skills and relearning to be extroverted is a million times harder. Throughout the years, as my health deteriorated and I could spend less and less time out and about before pain would debilitate me to an insufferable degree, I acquired a number of sketchy, non-contributing skills. The ability to hide suffering and pain under a veil of acquiescence, the ability to know exactly how much time you have before you’ll need to lie down, the acquired apathy for social norms that require you to stay seated at a table or find it unmannered to lie down among a group of friends or guests.. one by one I had know choice but to incorporate those ‘skills’ into my daily life.
Throughout the years of deterioration – at first I was mainly focused on trying to hide my pain. Act as if everything’s normal, avoid drawing attention, or rather, drawing pity. Eventually the situation worsened so badly it couldn’t be avoided. Compounded by the fact the doctors had no recourse or answer to why the deterioration was happening, my outlook seemed grim. And being unable to supply friends with answers or optimism, only bringing to the table tales of unsympathetic doctors and fruitless prognosis, eventually I chose to seclude myself, only staying in contact with close family and a small circle of close friends.
Going through that massive of a myriad of complications and troubles it’s tough not to define yourself by trauma, by tragedy. Heck, I chose my moniker and logo to specifically refer to it, this entire site is all but avoiding addressing my health history. Nevertheless, having the catharsis – at least for now, preserving the cautious optimism – of being on the up and up, feeling like I’m getting better and healthier with each passing day – there’s finally a sense that my story might be inspiring.
I still have a problem with superlatives and hyperboles thrown my way, of how I’m tough or strong or whatever – It mostly feels like I had things happen to me, while I had the privilege of disassociating (unlike my family). Slowly but surely though, I feel like I’m finding ways to extract lessons and inspiration from this unending saga.
As always, two translations and an original song.
1. The Days of Old – An old translation of mine for the song “The Days of Innocence” written by Tzruya Lahav, composed by Rami Kleinshtein and made famous by Rita. I had the privilege of studying songwriting under Tzruya’s kind and intelligent tutorship, and at first wrote it as a gift of appreciation for the lessons she taught me – in school, and outside of it. In the Hebrew cover version I employ an original part of the text that was redacted by Rami Kleinstein when he composed the lyrics.
Hebrew Version (Cover) – English Version (Translation) – Side-by-Side Translation Player
2. John Wayne Gacy Jr. – A song by Sufjan Stevens from his album “Michigan” about the original clown murderer John Wayne Gacy Jr. Ever since I first heard this song it captivated me, it’s such a vivid retelling of the horrific story, served with haunting melodies and vocals. I employed the help of Meytal Lamour, an old friend from my music school days, to sing backing vocals on both the cover version and the translation.
Hebrew Version (Translation) – English Version (Cover) – Side-by-Side Translation Player
3. Menagerie – Another original song from a time when I was angry at god, and angry at myself. I still am, to some extent, but for different reasons.
Thanks for reading and listening,
Yair (Screwup)