Versions

Nowadays, more than ever before, I find myself fascinated with the idea of identity. The false sense that there’s a continuous “Me” that evolves and exists over time, where in reality it’s different versions of me permutating, shifting perspectives, ideals, dreams and aspirations constantly. I always struggled with the idea of allowing myself to change and evolve without it feeling like my ideals are flimsy and ever shifting, that I lack conviction to stick to a perspective or a certain code. On the other hand, sticking to specific ideals “just cause” and in light of new information and evidence presented feels stupid, and a sin to being human, to being an ever evolving and growing individual.

It’s hard work, getting to know yourself, digging in deep to find out who you truly are, rather than who you aspire to be or aspire to be perceived as, to project. It’s even harder work to let go of parts of yourself that were important to you when life suddenly bars you from engaging in activities you deemed a part of your identity.

I was always pretty sociable and extroverted, but once things took a dark turn – having no ability to share optimistic news, and feeling I sucked the air out of every room I rolled into – I began to seek seclusion. Over time I became introverted. And it happened in many aspects of my personality over the dreaded 3 years, to a point I was unable to recognize myself. I felt like a different person all together.

Then the surgery brought me back – in more ways than one – and suddenly I had to make a million choices, between who I was and who I became. Reacquaint myself with myself. Rediscover who I was, or rather, discover who I became. Choose between the way I once were, and the way I learned to be.

It’s still a work in progress. Sometimes I catch myself acting or thinking like the person I was before 2020, and it’s a nice, comforting feeling, of meeting an old friend in yourself. Sometimes I enjoy how resilient, self sustaining (but often jaded) I learned to become. We all contain multitudes, different tricks, tendencies and attributes we gather along the way from different permutations of ourselves. A patchwork of (hopefully) the best parts of the people we once were.